Warning: Reader discretion advised
Humor is really a good medium to remove boredom and to start a good conversation.
Indeed, I can safely argue that humor is the quickest way to break the ice – all of us have come across situations where silence is so uncomfortable that we wish to have something funny to say to be able to end it, don’t you agree?
However, is not easy to come up with funny jokes, stories, of the top of our head and unfortunately, no one laughs without any reason, so here, I will provide you with 50 ways to pass those unbearable moments with flying colors.
I hope you guys have as much fun reading this top, as I had writing it.
Laughing is really an amazing tonic for our current daily lives, which more and more are full of running around and unnecessary, unhealthy stressful moments.
So just sit down, and take a few moments to lighten your spirit.
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I’m home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
You little rebel, I like you.
I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes.
I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I didn’t sleep very good last night.
So this morning I put Monster energy drinks in my coffee… I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.
Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game.
When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court.
Class: Got it.
Coach: Okay… Ready, set… ORANGE!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.
Boy: Hey Beautiful, Can I have your number?
Girl: No, I have a boyfriend.
Boy: But I’m gay, can I have the number now?
Girl: Oh, okay! Here’s the number.
Boy: Thanks, I’m not really gay. Ha!
Girl: That’s my boyfriends number.
Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger:
Dad: I spy something gray.
Little sister: Your hair!
Dad: I spy something adopted!
A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with a whale for a daughter:
The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high.
Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*
boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?”
mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.”
boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?”
I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit.
A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.” So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
Jack and Jill went up a hill,
So Jack could lick her candy,
Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,
‘Cause Jill’s real name was randy.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute.
I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient.
He’s shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head.
The doctor’s cries, “Oh my god, how did that happen?”
The frog answered “I don’t know; it began as a pimple on my butt.”
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.
I must have a great butt, because every time I finish talking to someone and start to walk away.
I hear them whisper ‘what an ass’.
I asked my girlfriend what movie my dick reminded her of…
She replied, “Chicken Little”
Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house..?
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary, but…
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you?? Leave please!
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche…
Why I still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the salary when actually I am the BOSS
Add a word to ruin a movie:
– Batman Begins College
– The Longest Yard Sale
– Charlottes Web Cam.
How we wake up I’m the morning:
Brain: “Oh f*ck.”
Body: “Don’t get up.”
Dick: “THIS IS SPARTAA!!!”
It’s funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis… even a thought can raise it.
I told my girlfriend that my mom is old so she needs to speak slowly and loud.
Then I told my mom my girlfriend is retarded. They have no idea!
Mom: “Shouldn’t you be cleaning your room?”
Me: “Shouldn’t you be in the Kitchen?”
I’ve never been hit so hard.
Girl: What’s the price of this shirt?
Boy: 5 kisses.
Girl: What’s the price of that dress?
Boy: 10 kisses.
Girl: pack both of them dad will pay
Boy : oh f*ck
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
My grandad has the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
CNN just said the world is forty trillion dollars in debt. Who the f*ck does the world owe? Jupiter?
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
The closest that I’ve gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop…
-Dude that party was wicked
-You were drunk outta your mind
-I was not drunk
-Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling “SpongeBob I know you are in there”
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
Husband: Honey, do you smell that?
Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.
*Standing on a high balcony*
Normal person: What a breathtaking view!
Me: I could totaly snipe that guy from here.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.
Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Teacher: stop interrupting while I am talking
Student: you stop talking while I am interrupting
If a girl ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo.
Her woman instincts will kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.
I tried to convince my little girl that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. …
But she didn’t buy it. She’s still making fun of me.
“A good friend bails you out of jail, a true friend is sitting next to you saying ‘we screwed up… LETS DO IT AGAIN!”
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly.
Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.
One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.
When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.
”Shelly, don’t do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear.” said her mother.
What the big deal was, Shelly didn’t understand.
The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.
Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.
“Didn’t I tell you, young lady?” fumed her mother. “He just wants to see your underwear!”
“But Mommy, I tricked him,” said Shelly. “Today I didn’t wear any underwear!”
What does women’s underwear and nail polish have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.
The school called me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies”.
“Well tell him he’s f*cking good” I replied, “I ain’t got any kids!”
I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight.
So as an adult I had to step in. They didn’t stand a chance.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A man with two left feet buys a pair of flip flips.