Warning: Reader discretion advised
Laugh your heart out and forget that sometimes life is not that simple. Take a few minutes of you busy life (I am sure that is really busy) and sit in a comfortable spot and prepare yourself to let you hair down, even if it is just for a few moments.
Allow yourself some stress free time and just laugh. You are going to see who wonderful it is and somehow life will not seem that stressful. Trust me! I really know what I am talking about.
I hope you enjoy my selection for this top. Are you ready? Let’s go then:
1.
3 drunken guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.
Then said, “We have reached your destination”.
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”.
The 3rd guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
But then he asked “What was that for?”.
The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”
2.
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No…
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No…
Boy: Good! *walks away*
3.
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
4.
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
5.
Police: where do you live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where do your parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do you all live?
Me: together
Police: where is your house?
Me: next to my neighbor’s house
Police: where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: if I tell you won’t believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
6.
Cop: “Did you kill this man?”
Me: “No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed.”
7.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
8.
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
”Hi, how are you?”
Me: (embarrassed) “Doin’ fine!”
Stall: “So what are you up to?”
Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”
Stall: “Can I come over?”
Me: (attitude) “No, I’m a little busy right now!!”
Stall: “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
9.
Dad: Hey son, want to hear a joke?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: Pussy.
Son: I don’t get it.
Dad: Exactly…
10.
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
11.
*Hott Girl’s Facebook Status*
“Bored” – 86 Likes – 54 Comments
*My status*
”Just got accepted into Harvard!” – 0 Likes – 1 Comment from Mom: “…Nerd”
12.
Husband (watching a video):
Don’t do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don’t say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What’aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
13.
Everyone’s keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can’t do this anymore. I think I’m just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like… way over there.
14.
Boy: Hi.
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.
15.
Grandpa: “Go hide, your
teacher is here because you
skipped school today!”
Boy: “No you go hide. I told her you were dead!”