30 of the Funniest Quotes

I love quotes! I think that people that come up with them are unbelievably amazing. And the most amazing thing is that every quote I came across with has a ring of universal truth to it – hands-up to their author’s creativity.

Today, and because I am a strong believer that laughing is still the best remedy – and we do need large dosages of it in our current daily lives; I decided to compile a list of the 30 funniest quotes.

At the end of the day, we can get the best of both worlds – we can have wise quotes that, while they convey some universal truth, they are also witty; and make us laugh our socks off!

I hope these get you on stitches as much as they got me…you do have to admire great minds.

Quick note: I have numbered the quotes for organizational purposes; there is no ranking – for me they are all number one.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Miles Kington


First the doctor told me the good news: I was to have a disease after me
Steve Martin


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Lana Turner


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already
Dave Barry


Dogs have masters. Cats have staff


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Emo Philips


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
Greg King


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Dave Barry


I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Steve Wright


Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please
Mark Twain


People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do
Isaac Asimov


Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition
Marilyn Monroe


It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan


When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car
Bob Monkhouse


Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first
Ronald Reagan


People say you can’t live without love… I think oxygen is more important


I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody that life has given them vodka, and have a party
Ron White


A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need advice
Bill Cosby


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company
Mark Twain


Do not take lie too seriously. You will never get out of it alive
Elbert Hubbard


Weather forecast for tonight: dark
George Carlin


If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts
Albert Einstein


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know the hell she is
Ellen Degeneres


I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again
Joan Rivers


Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night
Rodney Dangerfield


Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason
José Maria de Eça de Queirós


My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine
Caroline Rhea


I intend to live forever. So far, so good
Steven Wright

Hope you enjoyed the reading – remember humor is the quickest and safest way to get on people’s good side. Contribute for your friends most needed daily dosage of laughs and share with them the wisdom of the words I shared with you.

Keep on laughing! Always!