30 of the Funniest Quotes

I love quotes! I think that people that come up with them are unbelievably amazing. And the most amazing thing is that every quote I came across with has a ring of universal truth to it – hands-up to their author’s creativity.

Today, and because I am a strong believer that laughing is still the best remedy – and we do need large dosages of it in our current daily lives; I decided to compile a list of the 30 funniest quotes.

At the end of the day, we can get the best of both worlds – we can have wise quotes that, while they convey some universal truth, they are also witty; and make us laugh our socks off!

I hope these get you on stitches as much as they got me…you do have to admire great minds.

Quick note: I have numbered the quotes for organizational purposes; there is no ranking – for me they are all number one.


1.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Miles Kington

2.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was to have a disease after me
Steve Martin

3.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Lana Turner

4.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already
Dave Barry

5.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff
Anonymous

6.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher
Socrates

7.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Emo Philips

8.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
Greg King

9.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Dave Barry

10.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Steve Wright

11.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please
Mark Twain


12.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do
Isaac Asimov

13.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition
Marilyn Monroe

14.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan

15.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car
Bob Monkhouse

16.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde

17.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first
Ronald Reagan

18.

People say you can’t live without love… I think oxygen is more important
Anonymous

19.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody that life has given them vodka, and have a party
Ron White

20.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need advice
Bill Cosby

21.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company
Mark Twain

22.

Do not take lie too seriously. You will never get out of it alive
Elbert Hubbard

23.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark
George Carlin

24.

If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts
Albert Einstein

25.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know the hell she is
Ellen Degeneres

26.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again
Joan Rivers

27.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night
Rodney Dangerfield

28.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason
José Maria de Eça de Queirós

29.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine
Caroline Rhea

30.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good
Steven Wright

Hope you enjoyed the reading – remember humor is the quickest and safest way to get on people’s good side. Contribute for your friends most needed daily dosage of laughs and share with them the wisdom of the words I shared with you.

Keep on laughing! Always!